


it's not so tragic if I don't look down

by torigates



Category: The Good Wife (TV)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-04
Updated: 2013-11-04
Packaged: 2017-12-31 12:07:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1031542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/torigates/pseuds/torigates
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alicia woke up the next morning with the sun streaming through the window.</p>
            </blockquote>





	it's not so tragic if I don't look down

  
Alicia woke up the next morning with the sun streaming through the window. The sheets felt crisp and cool against her skin even after a night of sleeping (and other activities) on them. Alicia pressed the back of her hand to her forehead and squeezed her eyes shut, trying with all her might to hold on to this moment, this brief interval of good timing.

Beside her, Will shifted.

She turned on her side, hands tucked at the side of her face, and studied his profile. The easy rise and fall of his chest, the slight whistling that escaped from his nose. Will snored. She found this endearing and delightful. She shifted closer to him, and he sucked in a deep breath before opening his eyes. He didn’t look surprised or regretful to see her there. Alicia was glad.

“Hi,” he said.

“Hi,” she said.

He smiled. “That was more than an hour.”

“It was,” she agreed.

They smiled at each other for a moment, and Will bent forward and kissed her hard on the mouth. Alicia breathed him in for a long moment, before he pulled back and rolled off the bed in a smooth motion.

“I’m going to shower,” he said. “Stay, if you want, or I’ll see you at work.” He walked into the bathroom, and a moment later she heard the water running.

She leaned back against the pillows, her hands behind her head and grinned at the ceiling. So that was what good timing looked like, she thought. A truly spectacular moment.

Slowly, Alicia rose to her feet and gathered the clothing she had discarded so carelessly, so quickly, the night before. It all lead in a straight path from the suite’s door to the bed, her clothes mixed with Will’s. Their things looked good together, she thought, briefly. She could get used to this.

Someday.

She almost expected to look different. Her makeup was smudged and faded and her hair slightly tousled. Overall, she looked the same, except for the slight upturn at the corner of her mouth. She tried to smooth it down, but it kept creeping back.

Will stepped out of the shower, a towel wrapped carelessly around his hips. Alicia thought about how he looked in law school—so much of that boyishness had faded over the years, replaced with a seriousness around the eyes and mouth. Standing there in front of her now, she was taken back all those years, to the Will she had first known. The Will who had infatuated her years earlier. The Will who still did.

He smiled crookedly.

“I’ll see you at work,” she said.

He nodded, and turned back towards the bedroom.

“Will—” she started. There were words in her throat, in her heart, that she wanted to convey. A promise, maybe, of something not quite yet materialised.

He looked over his shoulder and winked. “I know,” he said.

It was enough.

The hotel room door clicked behind her, and Alicia stood in the hallway.

So, she thought. She wondered if something surprising could also be expected, because that was what it was; surprising and expected. It felt good. She felt happy.

Everything was quiet at the apartment. It was early; the kids would still be sleeping. Alicia slipped in the door, feeling sixteen again, like she had missed curfew. She couldn’t help grinning a little at that.

In the kitchen, Owen sat with a cup of coffee in front of him. Alicia jumped at the sight. He just grinned at her, silently. She shook her head and went to shower.

“Fun night?” Owen asked when she emerged. Her hair was wet and her skin felt tight on her body.

She smiled at him. “It was.”

“Mmhm,” he said.

Alicia grabbed a bagel. Shortly after, she head Zach and Grace slowly getting out of bed, getting ready for the day. She ate her breakfast, and took her time getting ready for work. It had been so long since she had done something just for her, something that made her feel good and happy, and even if it was a mistake, she knew it was a mistake she had to make.

At work, she sat behind her desk and worried. She worried a lot, and it was an old habit to which she fell back easily. So much could go wrong. For Will, for Peter, for her kids, for herself. The next few months, maybe even years were going to be hard ones.

There was so much she had to do, so much she had to figure out. She knew she had to do it on her own. Owen would tell her there was nothing wrong with accepting help, but Alicia knew it was more than that.

Most days she felt like she had been doing everything by herself for as long as she could remember, but she hadn’t been—not really. She had Jackie and Owen, and Peter, and even when it hadn’t felt that way, they had all been there holding her up in some way.

It wasn’t that she needed or wanted to cut all ties completely, at least not with Owen, with the people who really cared about her, but Alicia hadn’t been alone in nearly twenty years, and she needed to figure out what that meant. She needed to know where she, Alicia, stood on her own.

She knew Will would understand. She hoped he would wait.

Kalinda walked passed her office, and Alicia caught her eye and beckoned her in.

She hovered by the door, but didn’t come all the way in to the office. Alicia still felt angry just looking at her. She felt betrayed and hurt, and she felt so angry, at Kalinda, at Peter, at herself. She wanted to recognize that Kalinda had done it before she knew Alicia, before they were friends, before they every _could_ have been friends. She knew those things rationally.

Accepting them emotionally was something else all together.

There was so much she had to do. She had to learn how to be okay on her own, she had to learn how to deal with being divorced, she had to learn how to deal with her children’s rage and frustration, and her own guilt. She had to learn how to forgive.

“I’m still angry,” she said.

Kalinda seemed to process this information. She only nodded.

“I—” Alicia paused and gathered her thoughts. Kalinda was still at the door, she looked guarded. “I know I shouldn’t be angry,” she said. “But I am. Can you accept that?”

“Yes,” Kalinda said.

“I’m working on not being angry,” she said. “Not being angry with you.”

“Okay,” Kalinda said.

“I’m not sure how long it will take me.”

She nodded. “I’ll be here.”

Alicia nodded and turned back to her work. Kalinda walked through the halls, and over the desks and commotion, she saw Will stop her with an hand on her arm. Neither one looked back at her, but she felt, somehow, that they were talking about her. Finally, Kalinda continued on without looking back. Will raised his eyes, and their gaze locked. He winked.

They would wait, she thought. There weren’t many people in her life that let Alicia do things on her own time, at her own pace. That meant something. Something that she wasn’t about to let go of any time soon.


End file.
